Gratitude

12:05 AM

See the title? Yes, gratitude. After reading a few bloggers' entries about their changes in life, I really hope this gets me to think about how I want my life to be.

*But mind you, this is a long post. Yes, I know I'm naggy but I won't force you to read it. But if you do, I hope my 'life example' would get you thinking about your life too and what you want your life to be.*

If you actually follow me in Twitter, you would know I'm such a believer in horoscope and really crazy about it. I believe all the astrology, mainly because it really relates to me. I felt as if my personality and character is really what it really describe as. Yes, maybe it isn't wrong to believe, but sometimes I overly believed in it, & I am afraid of instead of being me, I become what the horoscope describe me to be.

Most importantly, because this year, my horoscope, zodiac and astrology were all implying about it would be a tough year for me. As a believer, I fall for it. I'm born in the year of dog, and most of you may have heard, this year is not a good year for the dogs. In addition, I missed my date to pray to "Tai Sui" which my zodiac said, to improve your year, you should totally do that. I did not, hence it got me thinking my year would surely be terrible.

Yes, I would say out loud that this year isn't a good year, at all, for me. I've been through my ups and downs, mostly downs. For months, I struggled to pull myself up and I tried. Currently the year has gone by only half, I've had felt as if I have been to thousands of wars, struggle to conquer and pull myself from the bad things in my life.

Minus away those small little things that got me upset or frustrated, I've been through around 5 horrible incidents. You know, like online games, 5 major bosses needed to overcome. Through the incident, I've notice how it changes me. I've toned down a lot, less cheerful and became quieter. Maybe you wouldn't see the changes, but I have. People who know me but ain't close to be may think it was nothing, and I was still the same, but in fact they don't know what I've had been through for the pass few months.

The last incident I have to face was like a month or two back. The actual incident happened like awhile ago, but due to many issues happening in my life, as much as I have always tried to pull myself out the situations I've had gotten myself in, but that last incident was horrible. It got me mentally and physically hurt and the truth is that my mental block is still here with me, although I tried to move on and get over.

But no more, I said no more.

The main reason I have such a rough year is also because I wanted it to be. I believed in my horoscope that this year is a bad year for me.

Good thoughts attract good things in life; while bad thoughts will only cause you misery.

Well, that's what happened to me. I've always think this year is a bad year for me, & hence so I've got myself into such a bad year. One said you can attract good things into your life if you dream of it and believe in it. I want it that way, that's why I've got myself into such bad times. Not only just bad, but I've been under several depressions this year that my friend actually asked me to visit the IMH.

Hence, so much about how terrible my year have been until now, I say NO MORE BAD TIMES FOR ME!

Sometimes I think, people asked me to move on, because life move on, but then again, where to? How can you ask me to move on when I don't have an aim? Plus, to get myself out of those sticky situation, people asked me to wait. They said time would heal everything. What nonsense is that? Time move on and I was waiting like a stone there and months it has been, time doesn't heal me, it just made me prone to the hurt and pain. To really get over, we need to let go and take actions to make ourselves feel right again. Never could we go back to before we were hurt because there are scars in us, but we changed and get over. That's right.

So right now, I would throw away my ugly thoughts because I want to live my life beautifully. Screw YOLO or whatsoever, this is way better.

Therefore right now I'm going to say how grateful I am to certain things in life that I have, not ponder over what I've lost and what I did not get.

My Family

Yes, I've grateful towards my family, especially my mom. I know I've always been a rebellious teen but my mom have always let it go. She is hell of a nag woman and I can't stand her but I know we are family and she really cares for me. I'm grateful because without them, how can I survive? They provide me with shelter and take in my nonsense although at times we will get into fights and arguments but we are cool.

My Friends

Yes why them? Not all friends though. I realized how ugly society is and how fake people can be. Fake friends can smile at you and stab you at the back. But for me, because I'm THAT naive, usually fake friends would easily stab me, not only just the back, but the front as well and it hurts a lot. I don't know why, normally only people who know me best would then easily climb up my head and take advantages of me. But those are fake friends. It's just like weeds, it's not good for you although you may have fun with them but at the end of the day, they're just plain useless and only harm you. Why don't you just cut them all off?

I'm grateful towards my closest friends that help me a lot, especially this year. Some gave advice and some stay with me and pull me through hard times. I remembered Brendon helped me to overcome my issue for 2 weeks until he cannot take it because I was so stubborn to change and he said he nearly wanted to slap the shit out of me. Hahaha! Jeslyn always give good advice and is always been my great listening ear. I got closer with more friends as well. I've cut ties with tons of people because they were fake, & I have friends who left to find other new friends and we drifted apart. Cheryl is one of my friend who we hardly talk or meet up in real life but we text a lot and gave me some great advice too!

My blog

Although not much people read my blog, but blogging always makes me happy. I love sharing and if I've good things in life, I would share it with everyone. See how selfless of me? Haha! Although my blog has been through ups and downs, I stopped blogging for a year or so and back in my old days, my blog did cause me to get into troubles. But it is a space for me to rant my anger through writing, share my joy and express my feelings, ideas and thoughts. Although I'm always MIA in here but when I do blog, I write with my heart.

Him

Although it is still early to say, but I'm glad and grateful that someone actually show so much care and concern for me, it is really super touching. Grateful of the times we spend together and how my life have changed when you enter my life and it really did cause a great impact. I won't talk about since he won't read this anyways, hahaha, but all in all I'm grateful as much as how happy I am now.

Hopefully I would stay this way, no more negative thoughts because I know I'm a negative thinker but I don't want to continue to attract bad things into my life anymore. It's time to look up and smile. Screw those people who ruin my life and give them the IDGAF smile.

So after reading this, tell me how grateful are you?



P/S So if everyone happens to read this post, lemme just give you guys a short update on 'him'. When I wrote this post, I said 'it is still early to say', which in fact was true. People come and people go. Sure he is not in my life now, we parted- not really in good terms- but still, memories are always here to accompany you. I don't know if it's consider good or bad because memories stay while people doesn't, but it is also because of memories that draws tears and heartaches every time.

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