What hurts the most

by - 10:46 AM

What are we feeling?

Yes, sometimes when we feel something, we tend to ignore those feelings. We pushed them away. We deny the feelings deep down in our heart. Some people tell us to accept what we are feeling. But so what if we accept it? Does it help anything? Yes, it helps us to know more about ourselves, to know how we actually feel are real.

Feelings are words spoken by our heart. Feeling is how our heart communicate to us. It's like no word can describe how we feel because it just cannot be done. Feelings are mixed, there isn't just one emotion only. We have different emotions all at once. That's why we tend to get all confused on what are we feeling. Am I happy? But why am I crying? It hurts but why do I smile?

I've did this before, that was to shut my feelings off. I did that for months and I realized the more I tried to push the feelings down, it just come back stronger than before.

I'm quite a simple person. I just want people around me, people I care about- them- to be happy. That's why I tried everything to please all of them. For whole of my life I've been doing that, but I realized it is easier to pissed someone off than pleasing them.

Even at the end of the day, whatever you did, with the good intentions, always get misinterpret and you will always be the one getting blamed, and scolded for. You will face the consequences alone even though whatever you did was for good reason.

"We are so used to live for others, lived to be compared by others, lived in someone else's eyes."

We should start treating ourselves right, but what's right and what's wrong? Sometimes it gets all confusing and the rights and wrongs may just be a thin line away.

By helping others and trying to do the right things, I ended making mistakes, and eventually lost myself.

I mean it's alright, people tend to make mistakes right? Just forgive and forget. Yes, I always forgive people and all, but somehow when it comes down to myself- I'm kinda harsh on myself. Maybe because I expect much better of myself.

Let me name you a few things that hurt the most, tell me you agree with me or not.

1. Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.

Locked your feelings up? Shut off your feelings? Forget about the feelings you once had? But once you saw the person, an old photo, an old item, a conversation, or something that brought your memories of the past back, it comes along with the feelings. It just sucks A LOT.

2. Reminiscing the good times/past

Because you know those good times are never ever coming back, what holds you to those are just memories, living in your head.

You don't missed the shelter that hid you from the rain. It's the memories you spent with him/her under the shelter waiting for the rain to stop- that's what you really missed the most.

3. Trying to hide what you truly feel

Feeling what you don't want to feel, feeling what you have long forget. The pain and the hurt, they all come rushing down, breaking you into pieces. How about those feelings you bury keep down for years? A relationship that didn't worked out? Or thinking you are alright, but when you go for a drink, and everything just come magnifying down on you, your feelings. Those nasty feelings you don't ever, ever want to feel again.

4. Loving someone who loves another

Like someone so badly but he/she attached? Know that you will never be with the person you really love?

They said if you really like a person, you will let them go. But easy said than done. Sitting next to them, looking at how lovely they are and they don't even know how miserably you really felt.

5. Having a commitment with someone you know it wouldn't last

This is a long term misery. You know it's not gonna work out but are you willing to just let go? It's a tied down, and it's painful because... where is your happiness?

6. Loving a person too much

It's painful loving a person too much. Who said loving someone is all cute and sweet? It is not. It's painful because too much of anything would cause you pain. Even if you have the best of everything would also make you miserable.

Too much money makes a billionaire lonely and finds it hard to trust anyone because he will think people are prolly out to eat his money.

It's the same theory.

7. Right love, wrong time

Have you ever fall in love with this particular person so much but the timing wasn't right? Everything was so perfect, you two were perfect for each other. Personalities check. Right opinions check. Good conversations check. Timing, not check. You missed out each other, get into fights you don't even know, third person came in, a shitty unexpected situation popped out. Fallen out, cried and never get back again.

It's a complete waste.

8. Taking risk to fall in love again

It's painful because you are afraid. You fear commitment, you fear everything related to love and you fear of making the same mistakes you did before. You have to trust again, but does that person worth your trust? Will he/she break it? Anyone related to love, it's scary, because it consumes you entirely and you fear of the outcome, the result and the breakup.

Should you jump into it? Should you just let it slip by? You don't know, and you have to make this painful decision.

9. Accepting what's not meant to be

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And they come into your life for a reason. It's either blessing or a lesson learnt.

It's for you to find out, but sometimes we just gotta accept that things ain't gonna work out between you and someone and they will leave because they already did and played their part in your life and it's time for them to move on and play their part in another's life.

10. What ifs

Those are the questions you tend to always ask yourself. Before you go to bed, when you're listening to sad songs, thinking about the past, or sitting by the window on a cold bus ride home...

Usually when we think of 'what ifs', we tend to think of what already happened, and what could we do differently. What would have happened if I didn't do it and what if that incident didn't happen? It's fucking painful because you know those 'what ifs' does not make any difference; it's not gonna work out no matter how many 11.11 you wished or eye lashes you plucked. It's just not going to work.

But funny thing is that our brain just keep thinking about those 'what ifs' scenarios, even though we know for sure that it's not gonna happen. Maybe the reason we think about it is because we know it will not come true, and we can only imagine it using our own thoughts, which is also why it's painful.

Yes , and it's also those situations that make us grow, mature and know how to handle things better each time.

But sometimes we need to put down our armor for awhile. Being all strong makes others forget that you're human with feelings too. They think you can handle it so they take you for granted and lessen their concern about you.

So lemme end of with this...

I really do feel this way. To those I've disappoint and fail to please.


Till then, stay anticipate!


(photos from Tumblr, I fucking love Tumblr)

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